This may be the most emotional post I ever write. It's hard to put words to everything that's happened the past few months.
In early January we had a sneaking suspicion that we might be pregnant with #3. We had talked about when we would start trying a couple months prior. Jamie and I are 11.5 months apart and I've always loved the relationship I have with her, so we talked about having two close together, but didn't really make a final decision. I took a test and low and behold we were pregnant! A million things went through my mind when we found out. We were, of course, overjoyed at the blessing of adding another beautiful baby to our family, but I'm sad to admit that we were also worried about the September due date and figuring out moving with a newborn, etc. I also had an overwhelming feeling of sadness and guilt that my baby (Addie) wouldn't get to be the baby for very long. Looking back now I feel guilty for ever having those feelings!
We went in for our first doctor visit and had a good laugh with all the nurses about being back so soon. All was well and I was indeed pregnant. Since we find out about our pregnancies so early, we couldn't keep it in too long. We shared the good news with our families and a couple friends. I was a little more nauseous this time around and really tired, so it was nice to have some friends willing to babysit "just because". My next doctor appointment wasn't until the end of February. We had a lot happen that month and by the end of it I had picked up strep throat. I didn't want to go on antibiotics again, so I had Stafford give me a priesthood blessing, hoping I would heal quickly. I will never forget this blessing. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, worthy men are given the authority of the priesthood- the same priesthood that Jesus Christ had while on the Earth. They can exercise this authority by giving blessings to those that believe in Jesus Christ. This blessing was not from my husband, but from my Heavenly Father. The blessing mentioned that my body would take time, but it would eventually heal. It also said that I was going through this that someday I could sympathize and relate with others in similar circumstances. There were a few other things that touched me and gave my heart peace. As I thought back on the blessing, I wondered why my strep throat was such a big bad thing this time around and why anyone with strep throat would need such comforting in the future. I started on antibiotics that night so I could help my body start to heal. We planned on going away the next night (for the first time since having kids!) for our 5 year anniversary. I decided to go in to the doctor to check on baby and make sure everything was fine since I had a fever and everything with being sick and I didn't want to worry until our appointment on Monday.
I decided to take the girls with me, hoping it would be a quick visit with just a listen to the heartbeat. Addie stayed in her carseat and McKinlee played with some toys next to me as the Dr. put the doppler to my stomach. We heard a faint heartbeat, but it was mine. After trying for a bit she assured me that I was still early and it could be hard to find. She pulled out her handheld ultrasound machine and started to look around. She saw some blood flow, but it was near the edge of the sac so it could've just been mine. She was a little more worried at this point and had me schedule an ultrasound with their other office to take a better look. I've had little concerns with both girls and they turned out to be fine, so my mind hadn't wrapped around what was happening. I was still feeling positive. My ultrasound wouldn't be until after lunch, so once I got to the car I started driving to Chick-fil-a so the girls could play around a little bit in between. I called Stafford on the road and as I started to explain to him what happened I had to pull over.
It was hitting me more and more that we may have just lost our baby. As tears filled my eyes he told me he was leaving the school to meet us. We sat through lunch and I tried not to think about it. I didn't want to think the worst could happen. After lunch we headed to the office and in to our ultrasound appointment. Right away we could tell from the technician that there wasn't any happy or reassuring news. Stafford looked at the monitor and gave me a little head shake that he couldn't see any movement or heart flickers. Right then tears started streaming down my face, I tried to hide it as she finished the exam. I got dressed and she came back in and let us know our baby didn't make it. She hugged me with tears in her eyes, offered her condolences and left the room. We headed out to the car where we both sat and cried. We told each other how guilty we felt about ever feeling anything but excited about this baby and how much of a blessing each baby/pregnancy is. This was absolutely the saddest I have ever felt.
My doctor asked what I wanted to do next. My options were surgery (a D&C), taking medicine to help things along, or let it happen naturally. The baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks even though I was 11 weeks pregnant when we found out, so there was a little concern about the time frame and my body getting an infection. After some thought I decided to try naturally first and move on from there. Nothing happened in the following days, so I took the medicine she prescribed which was a battle for me. It just broke my heart that there are drugs to help you miscarry your baby. I wanted this baby. I loved this baby. I didn't want this baby to leave my body. I wanted it to live. I wanted to hold it in my arms in the hospital delivery room and see who it would look like. See if it was a boy or a girl! Give it a name and take it home to our family. To meet it's sisters!
You don't get pregnant assuming you're going to lose your baby. The moment you see those lines, you start planning and dreaming of that baby in your life. Letting go of those dreams was hard.
I took one dose of the pills and waited. I finally started spotting, but nothing more. The next night I took another dose around 7:30. I started cramping pretty quickly and it was really painful. We put the girls down and got ready for bed. I started bleeding more and more and had more clots coming out. I was told by friends to buy the huge pads that you use after giving birth, but I wasn't mentally prepared for the amount of blood that I was seeing. I couldn't leave the toilet. I can't describe that feeling of losing everything that kept your baby healthy and growing and alive. I felt so empty. Stafford was with me when I needed him and gave me some space when I wanted privacy. It felt like hours went by in that bathroom. When my bleeding slowed for a moment we decided to say a prayer for us and for that sweet baby. As Stafford was praying I felt nauseous and light headed. As soon as he ended the prayer I went back to the bathroom. He handed me the garbage can and I threw up. Losing that much blood so quickly made me so sick. Stafford said I was really pale, so we decided to go to the ER to make sure everything was ok. At this point it was around midnight so we had a friend come over to be with the girls. I tried to shower but started shivering and shaking so Stafford wrapped me in a towel and laid me in bed until our friend arrived. He helped me get dressed, and walk down to the car.
The ER was fairly empty so we got in quickly. After a few hours, an ultrasound and some pain medicine we were sent home and they said everything that needed to come out, had. I continued bleeding quite a bit the next few days and it tapered down to almost nothing. I knew from others' stories that your body just takes time to heal and we're all different. So there it was. It was all over. This pregnancy that we were getting ready to announce, that we were planning our summer around, that we WANTED was now over. I wanted to stop being sad, but at the same time if I wasn't sad anymore than who would remember that baby? If I wasn't thinking about it and crying about it, who else would be? Is that baby just forgotten forever?
In the days following all of this I spent a lot of time
reading talks about
trials, miscarriages, etc. I found a lot of peace in those messages. I received some personal revelation about this trial and it helped me in my healing. My girls also kept me from wallowing the day away. I felt like I was in a good place with everything except every time I visited the bathroom I would be reminded of what we'd been through by the little amount of bleeding I still had.
My little bleeding continued for almost two months before I finally decided to listen to Stafford and talk to my Dr. about it. I'd talked myself out of it so many times before but knew I needed to put this all behind me and go over it with a Dr. I went in for a check up and another ultrasound. The Dr. told me that there were some remnants of the pregnancy still in my uterus that needed to come out.
My heart stopped. Again?!? Could I really be going through this
again?? My eyes filled with tears as she continued to explain that I would need a D&C the next day. I called Stafford sobbing telling him the news. We got a babysitter for the next day and prepared for surgery. The nurses and staff were all so nice about everything. It was weird because I'm sure they're used to seeing moms who had just found out the terrible news, but I had held on to mine for 2 months. I had been through the coping, the crying, the acceptance. My mind was kind of all over the place. I knew the baby wasn't there anymore so it made it easier knowing they would just be removing tissue/blood. All I remember is Stafford saying goodbye and then slowly coming back to consciousness afterward. The doctor that did my surgery was amazing. She told me she got a lot of blood out and there were no complications. I was so relieved. After a few days, my bleeding had finally stopped. After almost 3 months of bleeding, I was done.
This experience was long. It was really hard and really sad. I cried more in that 3 months than any other time in my life. I was depressed at times, extremely gra
teful for the 2 babies I do have, and felt even closer to my Heavenly Father. We go through these trials to strengthen us. I have always loved this scripture, "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7). I liken this to trials in general and my miscarriage. I don't believe Heavenly Father would have made me suffer in vain. He wanted me to get through it and learn something and I did.
I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. I know it's a miracle to even get pregnant and getting to raise these two has been such an adventure. Thanks for letting me write all of this down. If you are going through a miscarriage feel free to reach out to me. I know it's nice to not feel alone. I am just so grateful for everyone in my life. I love you all!
